The Agnostic

I doubt my doubt.
What if I am wrong
that I was wrong?
Is that enough
to send me to the hell
I grew away from?

I doubt my doubt,
yet here it is—
gnawing at my prayers,
sucking out the marrow
as I scream, “I believe”
into the shallow void.

I doubt my doubt
is anything more
then the human interruption
to faith. Shareable by all men,
laughable among the angels,
never undone by certainty.

I doubt my doubt
will ever go away.
I’m too agnostic for faith—
to faithful to give up—
the mighty paradoxes that
belief and anxiety blend.

I am in the process of becoming a community chaplain with The Order of Hildegard. This program is designed to help form people into spiritual leaders that lead and serve from the margins. It’s for the people who don’t quite fit with the traditional church because of trauma, disability, or identity. If you, as my community, would like to help me fulfill the financial obligation this chaplaincy program has, you can give at the link below. Thank you for the myriad ways you support me.

If you’re aching to listen for God in the real stuff of life—grief, wonder, doubt, desire—I offer spiritual direction as a space to breathe and be heard. We listen together for the Spirit moving in the ordinary, the hidden, the in-between. No fixing. No formulas. Just presence, honesty, and room to be fully human before God.

If that sounds like what your soul needs, I’d love to walk with you