I Am Older Than My Mother

She lives in my face
and three photographs on the wall.
I can still remember her shape—
missing, always missing.
She who birthed and fed me.
She who wanted to run away with me in utero.
She who loved me enough to make everyone remember.

When I had lived longer
Than her age of death—
six before the Jesus year—
crisis found me.
It’d always been in her
shadow of death that I was now
coming to outgrow.

(Do you outgrow love?)

My shadow is longer than hers
and she is in my wake,
still shaping my history
while I carve out a future,
watching children be born,
and feeding them,
and wondering how it felt for you.

I want to love her in my face,
like meeting a stranger
I’ve always wanted to know,
holding out gleaned knowledge
as an offering of peace
as I approach with hesitation
her mouth, her eyes, her cheeks.

I am in the process of becoming a community chaplain with The Order of Hildegard. This program is designed to help form people into spiritual leaders that lead and serve from the margins. It’s for the people who don’t quite fit with the traditional church because of trauma, disability, or identity. If you, as my community, would like to help me fulfill the financial obligation this chaplaincy program has, you can give at the link below. Thank you for the myriad ways you support me.

If you’re aching to listen for God in the real stuff of life—grief, wonder, doubt, desire—I offer spiritual direction as a space to breathe and be heard. We listen together for the Spirit moving in the ordinary, the hidden, the in-between. No fixing. No formulas. Just presence, honesty, and room to be fully human before God.

If that sounds like what your soul needs, I’d love to walk with you